When this was happening I kept a few people informed of what was going on, since I disappeared for a week, I would speak to my wife and kids while I was down there, didn't want to let the boys know what was going on for obvious reasons.
When I say that I am a very private person with things, I mean it. It's not something that I say just to say it. So, besides my best friend I debated telling a few other people. The main reason is that I didn't want to burden them with my issue. I know I shouldn't see it that way, because I know that my inner circle are really good people, but it is how I felt. I do not have an issue with being there for people, letting them vent and listening to them because I see things in a differently than most and I can adjust to what people need. Not everyone can do that and I did not want to burden them.
But I told a few more people than I normally would tell and I understand that this news is hard to share. But I am appreciative that the friends (who are like family to me) I shared this with were supportive and understood the way I wanted to grieve.
One of the big things that I said when I was down in my Dad's home in Jinotepe, Nicaragua was that the only place I would want to visit in that town would be where my Dad is burried and that's it. Based on the way that my blood relatives treated my Dad while he was alive, it made me not want to talk to or recognize them as family. With that said I was very appreciative of the efforts my cousins and aunt made to help us out while we went through this, but for me, it was not enough to for me to reconsider have any relationship with them. You don't treat my Dad the way you did and expect me to be friendly with you. Anyway, let me move on from that, I don't want this to get too negative.
When I came back from that last trip, I immediately went to work, I did that to drown myself into something so I wouldn't think about what had just happened and just be distracted. The thing about me is that I do not like to tell too many people anything about my personal life. This time I did since I was gone for a week, most understood and gave their condolences and prayers. A few remained silent and that's OK. The most important thing to me was that the people I told didn't go around and tell others and made a scene at work, this allowed me to do my job and not have to relive what just had happened.
But that still didn't take away from my grieving, I had heard somewhere that when you have a dream of someone who just passed, that it means they have peacefully moved on. So I prayed every night to have a dream with my Dad. Night after night, he never came. My sister said she dreamt with him, I was happy at least that one of us had, but still sad and upset that I hadn't and not because I wanted to dream of him, but because I wanted to know that he was at peace.
I dreamt with my Dad a few weeks later and I was so happy, eventhough my heart was still hurting, I knew he was at peace. Since then I have had several dreams with my Dad, reliving moments and experiencing strange ones, so I know he's good and that is reassuring.
It's funny because I notice more now how I act in many ways like my Dad, I see my boys Javier and Gabriel and some of their mannerisms and actions remind me of my Dad. I show them pictures of him so they won't forget him. One thing that was sweet that Javi said was that he wanted to be a firefighter like his Grandpa so he could help people. He's changed his mind since then m, but I still thought it was sweet.
On one of the last trips we took to Disneyland, I was looking for Red, the firetruck from Cars. I wanted a picture with him in memory of my Dad being a firefighter. At first I only found the model toy firetruck so I bought that for display at home. The finally I found Red and got that picture.
RED
When we went for the Halloween party, I left a note for him. He enjoyed going to Disneyland with us and that has translated to my joy with my kids there.
Like I said, it's been a year later and it still hurts, I still miss him but I see him all the time. I still carry his firefighter ID with my work badge and I gladly share his story when people ask about it.
That is all I want to share for right now, I'll share more on another post, on another day. I have a lot of stories and memories that I will be sharing.
These are a few pictures of my Dad, my brother and nephew from 2004 when we went to New York and Cooperstown to the Baseball Hall of Fame. I know we may look angry in some of the pictures, but I assure you we had lots of fun. If I could do one thing right now it would be to have a chance at one last great picture of me and my Dad smiling together to add to so many great pictures we have.
No comments:
Post a Comment