I don't know anymore.. Entry 4

 So it's been a rough few weeks for us. The Pathfinder has decided to just die on us. We spent close to $3,000 on it to change the alternator, transmission fluid and filter, oil change, breaks and tires, just for the transmission to go out. We have taken it to different places and we get these crazy quotes and that doesn't mean the truck will work for many years, it just means it can work now and can last, but not for sure. I've reached out to the dealership to see what they could do for us in terms of a replacement transmission and they haven't returned my calls or emails so that is a bit concerning.

It looks like we are going to be in the market for a new car. I'm super stressed here because bills keep piling up and now this would be more to pay, things are getting super expensive and although I am trying to change my habits, there are things that my family wants to do and there is not enough to go around some times. 

Some times it feels that everyone would be better off without me here, like, they could thrive and go on with their lives and I won't be holding anyone back or be a burden. Like yesterday, I made a reservation to a restaurant for Mother's day. It was packed and busy but all I heard from my table was how slow it was, how it was not good portion, how they were disappointed and that completely sucked. It's like I was getting blamed for things that are out of my control, which happens a lot.

I don't know what it is but it always seems that way. Like I'm everyone's punching bag. Things go wrong, it's my fault. The boys are acting up, it's my fault. Everything gets pushed off on me like if I'm the one that caused the issues. That's why I'm feeling this way like I'm holding everyone back, like they can do more and be more without me. 

Right now for me it's not a really good time to be alone with my thoughts, they can get dark, but I try to pull through and try to do the best I can, I'm just not feeling like what I'm doing is helping anyone right now. I don't know, it will pass, this will pass, we will get by.