Entry 14.... Heavy

 I am not doing well. There are a lot of things going on and I keep it inside because I really have no one to talk to that will not pass judgement. It's like, I am there for people if they need to talk and I listen, if they ask for advice, I give it or just sit there and let them vent. If it helps someone I'm willing to do it. I don't really feel that I have that support. When I start talking about things the people who I'm talking to start making it about themselves or start making comments that are not needed. Like I'm trying to talk it out and get it off my chest and no, I get stopped and it's frustrating and draining.

There are things that are happening with my family that I haven't shared with anyone because I understand that everyone has their own stuff going on and when I bring things up, a change of subject happens. The things that are happening are really tough and very heavy, they are very scary and sad. It stresses me out but I continue to show up where I'm needed because people need me, but so far no one is showing up for me.

I've mentioned this before, financially I am not doing well, I am not good with money, I try and try so hard to save and to be able to contribute, but life happens. I am thankful that my wife is much better financially than I am, but even with that it's stressful because I say that I can't do things and she assumes that I don't want to spend money, but it's not. I wish that money wasn't an issue, I would love to pay for anything and everything. I don't like to feel like a complete failure with money, I have put myself in this situation by not being much more forceful and saying no. I think I have gotten better with it and I'm really trying and I will continue to try to get out of this situation.

This all weighs heavy on me, it keeps me up at night, it makes me feel like less of a person and the way people react and comment it confirms to me that people view me as a loser. That hurts, I'm just trying to do what I can to provide and keep up. Hopefully things will get better for me, I'll try for sure to get out of it. It's all I can do. I'm sure that there will be a blow up soon and it will get heavier. 

Anyway, until next time