It took me 12 days to start this. I wanted to start this a few days ago, gathering my thoughts about my Dad and what I wanted to write about to share with everyone, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I have been putting off writing this because I do not want this part of my life where my Dad is no longer here with us to be real. I understand what happened and I understand that it is a part of life and it is real, but sitting back and reflecting on my Dad to find the words to express how great of a Father, mentor, inspiration, hero and Man he is, would make this surreal moment in my life too real.
On April 17, 2019 at 11:58 PM, my Dad, Jose Heliodoro Narvaez Miranda took his final breath in his own home in Jinotepe, Nicaragua. My sister held his hand, I held his head and we both let him know that it was OK to let go and to go rest. He was 73 years old. The lead up to that moment was rough and to be honest, it made me angry and grow resentment to the whole town of Jinotepe, to where I do not plan on returning. But that part of this story, that unfortunate, hurtful part of this journey will not be talked about here.
Well, what can I say about my Dad? He was kind, stubborn, sweet, hard, funny, serious and loving. He was a great role model, provider and inspiration. He was also human, so there were moments that we would prefer didn't happen but that is life. In his younger days my Dad was a Firefighter for the Fire Department in his home town of Jinotepe. He was always proud of that and continued to be linked to the Fire Department when he returned back to Nicaragua to live. One story that I know he was proud of and I treasure is that my parents got married in December of 1972 and the very next day after they were married an earthquake hit in Managua and my Dad, just married went to help with his Firefighter brothers. I have the certificate he received for doing what he loved, helping others.
My parents, sister and brother moved to the United States in the 80's, I was the lone one that was born in the states (Yes, with Red, White and Blue blood). My Dad was always a hard worker and he provided us with what we needed.
I remember my Dad worked 2 jobs, he worked at Larkspur Landing and with a janitorial company. I remember always wanting to go to work with him and sometimes he would take me to work and it would be the highlight of my day. I remember he would tell me to stop taking the coins out of the fountain and let me wander around the shops. I can remember numerous outings we had to San Francisco Giants games both at Candlestick Park and Pacific Bell/SBC/AT&T and now Oracle park. For the last season the Giants played at Candlestick Park, I really wanted to go to the last game and my Dad got us the Baker's Dozen ticket package that got us those tickets. I also remember the 49ers game we went to and watched on TV, the trips to Disneyland, Universal studios, Mexico and countless other places that we didn't really appreciate in the moment as kids. But I see the importance of those experiences now.
My Dad put up with a lot of my interests, WWF (now WWE) and Michael Jackson (especially Thriller). My Dad would get me the wrestling figures, take me to get the magazines and would pay for the PPV when I wanted to watch them and I think that is why I still watch wrestling to this day. One important thing that my Dad taught me was how to keep score of a baseball game, that bond we shared was something special and I truly think that my love for baseball is from those days when we would keep score together. I still do to this day and proudly tell people that I know because my Dad taught me. I remember the 1989 Earthquake in San Francisco, we were watching the World Series and my parents went to work to check in. It was a scary time.
When my parents got divorced I don't really think that I fully understood why and I for sure didn't know how to handle that, I really only kept to myself. I had gone with my Mom and my siblings went with my Dad. I eventually went to live with my Dad and be with my sister and brother. Looking back on that I know that although I didn't have to, I felt I needed to grow up and just understand things as how they are. My Dad continued to work hard and he worked nights. I remember every Friday night fighting to stay up to wait for my Dad to bring home burritos to eat when he was off of work in the AM. Eventually my Dad had back surgery, he was OK for some time, but then he had 2 more back surgeries and 1 surprise neck surgery. He went from being able to walk, using a cane, to a walker to a wheelchair. It must have been torture for him to be have that taken away from him and see that he could not do what he could do before.
I can only imagine the mental strain it had on my Dad, but I don't remember him really showing any anger and resent me toward the situation. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but I don't remember a time that this happened, maybe my mind doesn't want me to remember something like that. When my Dad basically lost all his ability to stand or walk, I tried hard to find a way to help him with him being able to help himself as well. I found ways where he could put most of the work to get up, shower or do other things so he wouldn't feel that someone else had to do that for him. I also tried to do it in a way where I was showing him that I was there with him and ready to help because he needed it, not a situation where we did anything because we felt sorry for him. My Dad was a prideful man.
We did joke around a lot with my Dad about the things that he did and how he took his medications, but we never did it out of malice, it is just how we are, we joke to pass the time and we still would do whatever he needed us to do.
When my wife and I found out that we were having a boy, I wanted him to have my Dad's initials, JHN and my Dad's middle name. Our son was born in 2012 and we named him Javier Heliodoro Narvaez. Javi doesn't realize it now, but he is named after a great man, a great father and my hero. He got to enjoy close to 7 years with his Grandpa and he was sad when I told him what happened. Gabriel Antonio Narvaez; our second son was born in 2017, he had less than 2 years with his Grandpa, but one thing I noticed was that Gabriel was always curious with my Dad and the wheelchair. Several times when I assisted my Dad with things to clean up, there would be curious Gabriel lurking around the corner to see what was going on. With both of them I will tell them stories and share pictures of their Grandpa and the good times that we shared.
Looking back, I am at peace with my relationship with my Dad. Sure there were bad times and misunderstandings, but there were way more good times to remember. My Dad was able to see me go from a boy to a man, seeing me graduate college, get married in a civil ceremony and was able to participate in our Church wedding, he was able to meet and hold my 2 sons and see that I have a great job and that I have a great family. There were things that I did for my Dad that I did not envision ever doing, but they had to be done.
In the end, my sister and I had to make really difficult decisions that were made more difficult by people who will remain nameless. He wanted to go out on his terms and we helped him with that. We didn't realize the impact that he had on his hometown of Jinotepe and the Fire Department until we saw all they did for him. The Fire Department helped us getting from the hospital to the house, after his passing they promoted him from Captain to Major. The day of the funeral the took him around town in the Fire Truck and had the siren's on for him. He is buried in the tomb for Fire Fighters and he was buried in his uniform, looking great, in peace and not suffering anymore. I know that my Dad was listening to us in those last days and wee were able to help him one last time and send him off the way he deserved.
It still hurts like hell and doesn't seem real. It will never stop hurting and never seem real. Everyday after work my Dad was the first person I would call. We would ask each other how our day was and he would ask me about my wife and kids. He always said everything was OK. The last conversation I had with him was on 4/9/19 at 4:16 PM for 41 seconds. He said he went out to the park, everything was the same and OK, asked about Ulisa and the boys and thanked me for calling.
All I can do now is Thank him for everything and hope I get to see him again in my dreams.
An excerpt from Tim McGraw's 'I thought about you'
'I thought about songs that make us feel better,
I thought about faith that ties it all together
I thought about now, then thought about forever
I thought about fire and how we walked through it
The times I got it right, the times we blew it
I thought about real, I thought about good, I thought about true
and I thought about you
I thought about you
I thought about me
I thought about God
Everything love is
and everything it's not
I saw a red balloon somebody just let fly
I watched it gettin' smaller up in the sky
for a minute or two
And I thought about you
